


Red Dwarf and the Holy Grail

by Lauren (notalwaysweak)



Category: Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Red Dwarf
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-07-01
Updated: 2000-07-01
Packaged: 2017-10-05 21:50:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalwaysweak/pseuds/Lauren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Red Dwarf meets Monty Python. Insanity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red Dwarf and the Holy Grail

**Author's Note:**

> Red Dwarf characters belong to Grant Naylor. Monty Python concepts belong to the Pythons.

A long, long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile... whoops, wrong parody.

A long time ago (well, 3,000,000 years into the future, actually), deep in the land of Camelot (well, Deep Space, actually)....

A lone knight, Sir Lister of Smeg, accompanied by his retinue (a small black cat, a stack of vindaloos and a spare daggy hat), approached the abandoned spaceship.

'Hello! Is anyone there?' Sir Lister cried into the comms mic.

A rather large figure appeared at the spaceship's porthole.

'Hello out there!'

'Who is the Captain of this ship? I have travelled long -- '

The figure interrupted him. 'Is that a cat?'

'Well, yes, but...'

'Can't have cats on board. It's against Quarantine regs. It's got to be inoculated against every known disease and kept in Quarantine for three months, unless you don't want to have it inoculated, in which case it's got to go into Quarantine for six months.'

Sir Lister of Smeg sighed. 'Look, I just - '

'Are you arguing with me? If you're arguing with me, I'll have you sent to stasis.' The figure folded its arms.

Sir Lister shook his head and mentally cursed the depraved mind that had sent him here. Scratching absentmindedly under his codpiece, he reluctantly handed the cat over to be put into Quarantine.

'Now be off with you!'

Sir Lister took off in his spaceship, minus the cat.

* * *

Sir Lister continued on his way, supping on a vindaloo, when he heard the sounds of battle up ahead.

'Aha! At last, something for me to _do_!' he cried joyfully, hastening towards the clearing. Sorry, the... the small asteroid.

Two knights were battling in mortal combat. Sir Lister pitied whoever it was who was the challenger, as the remnants of other passers-by scattered about the clearing (sorry, asteroid) clearly showed that the local bloke was a bit of a decent scrapper.

'I just want you to be happy!' the one knight cried aloud, swinging his elegant white sculpture and donging the challenger one with it.

'I must insist that you let me leave!' replied the challenger, staggering under the force of the blow.

'Then you will leave on _my_ terms!' said the first knight. With that he pulled a pistol from his pants (try saying that ten times fast), and shot the challenger through the head. Then he blew away the smoke and adjusted his green Lycra armour.

Sir Lister mustered up a smile, belched once, then strode forward. 'Good Knight, you have put up a most valiant battle.'

...

'I am Sir Lister of Smeg. My quest is to make it back to Earth and live on a farm on Fiji. Will you join me in my quest?'

...

'Are you sure? For I did most admire your courage in despatching your challenger, and courage like that is not something I come across every day.'

...

'Very well then, I shall be on my way.' Sir Lister moved to pass the knight, but the knight deftly blocked him with a tractor beam.

'None shall pass.'

''Scuse me?'

'None shall pass.'

'Good Knight, I must insist -- '

'Call me Legion, for we are many... NONE shall pass.'

'Well, how the bloody hell am I meant to get home then? I'm going past you!' Sir Lister lost his temper.

'Then you shall _die_.'

'Smeg off, dog food face!' Sir Lister yelled into the comms mic. Legion winced and covered his ears.

'Oh bugger,' he said, as the technology that created him made him become an exact replica of Sir Lister.

'You're gonna let me past, or I'm gonna remove your appendix the hard way,' hissed Sir Lister. Legion backed away and released _Red_ _Dwarf_ from the tractor beam, and Sir Lister could continue on his quest.

'Didn't want to be you anyway!' Legion yelled at the retreating _Dwarf_.

* * *

As Sir Lister travelled, he came to a Dimensional Tear, which had leaked some very strange people onto a small planet. Curious, Sir Lister parked _Red Dwarf_ in orbit and he landed in _Starbug_.

'A scene-stealer! We have found a scene-stealer! May we burn her?' the angry mob cried, hustling a familiar yet new woman, clothed in red, up to the steps a Learned Knight was sitting on.

The Learned Knight looked up from the Emohawk he was dissecting.

'I'm not a witch, I'm _not_ a witch!' the young woman protested.

'Beg pardon, ma'am, but they're calling you a scene-stealer,' said the Learned Knight, dropping his scalpel.

'Oh. Well, I'm not that either!' she replied, fluffing out her brunette hair and flashing the smooth curve of her neck.

Turning to the angry mob, the Learned Knight asked, 'How do you know she is a scene-stealer?'

''Cos she looks like one!' a heckler replied. 'Look at that tight red PVC top!'

'Quiet, quiet. There are ways of telling whether she is a scene-stealer...'

'Like what?' yelled the heckler.

'Use some logic, my inbred friends. What do you do with scene-stealers?'

'Trout 'em!' some idiot yelled.

'Shut up! Ya _flame_ them! Jeez, what year are _you_ livin' in?' the heckler added under his breath.

'Yes, yes, but what _else_ do you flame besides scene-stealers?' the Learned Knight asked.

'More scene-stealers!'

'Slash writers!'

'The BBC!'

'Wood,' Sir Lister boldly stated, earning a hiss from the mob and a learned look from the Learned Knight.

'Precisely, my friend! And therefore, why do scene-stealers burn?'

There was much head-scratching amongst the mob. Finally, one daring young fellow yelled out, ''Cos they're made of wood!'

'_Thank_ you, Stephen. And how do we tell if she is made of wood?'

'Build a house out of 'er!' Stephen yelled.

'But can you not also build houses out of _bricks_?' As the mob nodded, the Learned Knight continued. 'Does not wood float in water?'

'Yeah!'

'And besides wood, what else also floats in water?'

'Boats!'

'Clothing!'

'A duck!' Sir Lister called out.

'Pree-cisely! So logically, if she weighs the same as a duck, therefore she is...'

'Made outta wood?' Stephen offered.

'And so?'

Heads were scratched. Then Stephen's friend (Patsy) yelled out, 'She's a scene-stealer!'

'Yess! Come now, we shall use my larger scales!' The Learned Knight abandoned his stairs and led the mob, along with the struggling woman, to the scales. The woman was seated in one side, while Stephen placed a very confused brown duck in the other.

'Remove the supports!'

Stephen and Patsy kicked away the supports. The scales wobbled, the woman's side sank... then rose. Then balanced out with the duck.

'A SCENE-STEALER! BURN HER!' Stephen yelled. But as the enraged mob began to advance on the woman, a blond-haired man appeared out of nowhere on a motorbike. He swooped the scene-stealer up and sat her in front of him, revving the engine in a macho way.

'Who are you?' the scene-stealer breathed.

'Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later (or possibly never, depening on how much time we spend having sex). Right now, let's get you out of here before they burn both of us!' And with a toss of his head, flicking his fringe back out of his noble hazel eyes, Ace and the scene-stealer took off into the sunset.

'Bugger,' said Stephen.

Sir Lister waited until the dust and the mob had cleared away, then approached the Learned Knight, who was cleaning up a mess the overly excited duck had made on his scales.

'Who are you that are so wise in the ways of science?'

'My name is Kryten, good sir.'

'Well, Kryten, I am Sir Lister of Smeg. I am on a quest to return to Earth and own a farm on Fiji ('Fushal!' an eager voice was heard to cry from a nearby hut). Will you join me in my quest?'

'Sir, I would be honoured!'

'Then kneel, and rise Sir Kryten!' Sir Lister tapped Kryten on each shoulder-shield with his hat.

* * *

Our hero, now accompanied by Sir Kryten along with his retinue of vindaloo, continued on his way. Not long after they left the planet, they ran into two very odd characters, who were bickering over something pointless (as usual).

'Peace, friends! What manner of men are you?' Sir Lister asked.

'I'm not a man, I'm a Cat!' said one. 'And he ain't much of a man either...'

'Shut up, fleabag,' said the other. 'My lord -- ' he tried not to vomit ' -- I am Sir Rimmer the Brave, and this is my companion, Sir Cat the Stylish.'

'Sir Rimmer, Sir Cat, I am Sir Lister of Smeg, and this is Sir Kryten. We are on a quest to return to Earth, and have a small farm on Fushal with a sheep and a cow, and to breed horses.'

'With a sheep and a cow?' Sir Rimmer asked incredulously.

'Jeez, goal-post head, your codpiece too tight again? Sorry,' Sir Cat said apologetically, 'he's normally like this.'

Sir Lister nearly reconsidered inviting them along, but since Sir Rimmer was already inside the ship, had no choice. 'Will you join me in my quest?'

'Us, sir,' Kryten said.

'Shut up, pleb.'

'Yes, Sir Lister,' the Cat said. 'We will travel with you to Fushal.'

'Um, it's _Fiji_.'

'Whatever.'

They travelled forth again, but had barely passed a full light year when the clouds burst open and a face appeared in the sky, haloed by sunlight, and serenaded by a host of angels and archangels and seraphim and cherubim, and the face spoke, thusly:

SIR LISTER! I AM DOUG NAYLOR, THY WRITER AND EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, BEING ONE HALF OF THE GESTALT ENTITY KNOWN AS GRANT NAYLOR!

The brave knights fell to their knees, blinded by the light.

WHAT THE SMEG D'YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

'Averting our eyes, oh Lord!' Sir Lister cried, avoiding the beam of the hex-vision special effects lamp that someone had forgotten to turn off.

WELL DON'T! I GET ENOUGH OF THAT FROM CRAIG WHEN HE WANTS A PAY RISE...

'Yes, my Lord!'

HUH. ALL RIGHT. I HAVE A QUEST FOR YOU.

'We're already on a quest, Bud!' Sir Cat put in.

SHUT UP, PLEB. THE QUEST I SET YOU IS THIS.

A vision of a plate appeared in the clouds. A plate... with a single perfect Shami Kebab on it.

SEEK OUT THE PERFECT SHAMI KEBAB, SIR LISTER. PROVE THAT YOU'RE NOT JUST A WORTHLESS BUM. THEN MAYBE PAUL JACKSON WILL LET US HAVE A NINTH SEASON.

'Yes, my Lord!'

Okay. GET ON WITH IT!

The clouds closed. Sir Rimmer discreetly vanished behind a bush to change his armour. (He'd been a bit shocked by the sudden appearance of God.)

* * *

Having received the word of Doug Naylor, Sir Lister and his faithful everyone set out on their new quest -- to find the perfect Shami Kebab. However, BBC budgeting meant they had to cut a lot of the fun scenes, and made them split up to allow each character dramatic moments all to themselves.

* * *

-The Tale of Sir Rimmer-

Accompanied by a chorus of Rimmettes, Sir Rimmer set out in Blue Midget to find the Holy Shami Kebab. But deep in the woods of -- sorry, the _asteroid belt_ of - Pegasus IV, he ran into a fearsome monster.

Three heads it had, and each was more fearsome than the last.

The first head had sleek brunette hair and a self-satisfied smirk on his face. His demeanour was that of someone satisfied with his job.

'Todhunter!' Sir Rimmer croaked.

The second head was smoothly shaven. Twin evil eyes glared down at Sir Rimmer and the Rimmettes, who clustered round their hero, clinging to him comfortingly. One of them threw a pair of panties at the middle head and snarled, 'Bastard!'

'Ackerman!' Sir Rimmer muttered.

But the third head, ah, now not even the Rimmettes could defend Sir Rimmer against this evil one. For she was older and wiser than any of them. And she yelled 'Sluts!' after them as they began to back away.

'Mum!' Sir Rimmer squeaked. Then he had another embarrassing accident in his armour. But there was no time to dwell on that. He had to...

'Brave Sir Rimmer ran away...'

'SHUT the smeg UP, Talkie!'

Where did _he_ come from?

* * *

-The Tale Of Sir Cat-

It was a dark and stormy night. Sir Cat had laboured many hours through Space, sitting in the dirty cockpit of _Starbug_, and was crying anguishedly over the ruin of his favourite suit, not to mention what was happening to his _hair_.

Suddenly he beheld a spaceship ahead, with a glowing light in the window. And lo that light was a sign saying 'Taj Mahal Restaurant'.

At last, thought Sir Cat, I can bring back the Holy Shami Kebab to Sir Lister of Smeg and then maybe I can have a nap!

He did a 90 degree swerve and parked _Starbug_ neatly in the spaceship's landing bay. Then he got out, smoothed down his hair, and marched up to the landing bay door.

'Open in the name of Sir Lister of Smeg!'

The door opened wide. A blonde woman with ... endowments... the size of Pamela Anderson's before she got that reduction, was standing there. Sir Cat was speechless.

'Welcome to the castle of the Psirens. Can I help you, good sir?'

Sir Cat's smile was dazzling. But then he remembered his quest. 'I seek the Holy Shami Kebab. I saw the sign in your window. You have it here?'

'The Holy WHAT?'

Sir Cat sighed. 'Look, it's not my fault the writer is insane. You have the Kebab! Lead me to it, that I might take it back to my liege lord!'

'Come in, come in,' said the Valkyrian Psiren. 'We'll get you sorted out in a minute. But first, don't you think you need a change of clothes? I'm sure I've got some pants you could get into.'

Sir Cat opened his mouth, but no sound would come out.

&lt;Scene removed by censors...&gt;

Suddenly Sir Lister and Sir Kryten burst into the spaceship, followed by a couple of the Rimmettes. Sir Rimmer was not with them. Sir Rimmer was &lt;censored&gt; for only the second time ever.

'Come on, Sir Cat! It's all a trick! They want to hinder you in the great quest!' Sir Lister shouted. 'They want to suck your brains out!'

'Well, they were doing _fine_ until _you_ arrived,' sulked Sir Cat.

An empty whipped-cream spray can (see censored bit) bounced off Sir Lister's head. He went a bit cross-eyed, and not only due to the concussion. He'd just seen the Psirens' charm for the first time.

But Sir Kryten, being impervious to the charms of the Psirens, threw Sir Lister over one shoulder, Sir Cat over the other, and marched out of the ship back to Starbug, which they flew back to Red Dwarf.

* * *

And so, saved from certain death, Sir Cat rejoined the crew as they flew onwards to find the Grail... sorry, the Kebab...

* * *

As they travelled, they picked up a couple of other characters to be used for the gratuitous gory scene. Sir Petersen, Sir Selby, and Sir Chen. They were a very annoying lot, and it's best we don't speak much of them.

* * *

One day, they came to a well-hidden spaceship. On board was an intelligent computer, Cassandra the Futureteller.

'You have a quest,' she said.

'We do. A quest to find -- '

' -- the Holy Shami Kebab. I know. I have seen all. You must beware...'

'Why? Because a computer that unerringly predicts the future is a dangerous thing indeed?'

'Wasn't that Kryten's line?'

'Oh yeah,' said Sir Rimmer, chastened.

'You must beware!' Cassandra repeated. 'Soon, you will come to the most dangerous thing you have ever encountered. The most scary, evil, terrifying enemy you have ever met!'

'The Polymorph?' Sir Kryten suggested.

'The vindaloo monster?' Sir Cat asked.

'Sir Lister's underwear?' put in Sir Rimmer. Sir Lister glared at him. Sir Rimmer giggled.

'No. It is far worse... But you're so close to your goal, to find the perfect Kebab. Seek within, and you shall find...' With this last mystical warning, Cassandra went into Downtime and refused to answer any more questions.

'I'm scared,' Sir Rimmer said.

'You're always scared. Come on, let's go.' And they flew onward.

* * *

As Cassandra had predicted, they did run into the most scary thing ever. The most heart-wrenching, tear-jerking... scary... thing ever.

Sir Lister was alone in the Drive Room when it happened, eating a chicken vindaloo. A bright shaft of light shone down, and Sir Lister averted his eyes, expecting Doug Naylor again.

But it wasn't.

Instead, it was Ace Rimmer, the honey-haired, hazel-eyed hero from that earlier scene with the alleged scene-stealer.

'Listy! Long time no see!'

'Who the smeg are you?' Sir Lister asked.

'Ace Rimmer. Don't you know me?'

'Not really, why?'

'Because of the scary scene we're about to undergo,' said Ace. And with no further warning, he bent down and kissed Sir Lister full on the mouth. Sirs Petersen, Chen and Selby, who were about to come in for the ten o'clock changeover, saw the pair snogging and committed harakiri with their swords. (And who could blame them...)

'Bluh!' Sir Lister sat up, shoved Ace away and nearly puked. 'What was that for?'

'Oh, sorry. Wrong dimension.' Ace flushed a rather fetching shade of red, and ran off. Seconds later Sir Lister saw _Wildfire_ fly out of the cargo bay. Seconds after that, Sir Rimmer came running into the Drive Room.

'That smegger's made off with all the Rimmettes following him in _Starbug_!' Sure enough, a _Starbug_ was following the red dimension jumping ship. 'He really _is_ the worst enemy we've encountered!'

'You can say that again!' replied Sir Lister, gargling with a bucket of madras sauce.

* * *

Sir Kryten was on shift when it happened. They were carefully navigating through a clump of Black Holes, and were seized by a tractor beam.

'What the smeg is goin' on?' Sir Lister yelled.

'Sir, we've been seized by a tractor beam, and with us being in the middle of the Black Holes of Eternal Peril, I'd guess we've been caught by... the Inquisitor!'

'The who?'

'The Inquisitor. He'll ask us each three questions, and if we fail to get them right, he'll hurl us into the Black Holes!'

'Smeg,' said Sir Lister.

* * *

As it happened, Sir Kryten was called up first.

'What is your name?'

'Sir Kryten.'

'What is your quest?'

'I seek the Holy Shami Kebab.'

'What is better for delicates, OMO or Drive?'

'Drive.'

'You may pass.'

The other three jostled to be next. They were each in a Blue Midget, Red Dwarf having been sent on to the other side of the Black Holes Of Eternal Peril to wait for the survivors.

'What is your name?'

'Sir Rimmer the Brave.'

'What is your quest?'

'I seek the Holy Shami Kebab.'

'And what does CUTIE stand for?'

'Oh, hang on, I know this one... don't tell me... Current Under Tension Is... is... I dunno... YAIIII!' And Sir Rimmer's Blue Midget was hurled into the Black Holes of Eternal Peril, much to Sir Lister's relief.

'Sir Lister. Your turn.'

Sir Lister's Blue Midget swooshed forward to face the INQUISITOR! (evil cackling sound effect)

'What is your name?'

'Sir Lister of Smeg.'

'What is your quest?'

'I seek the Holy Shami Kebab.'

'And how long must a cat remain in Quarantine?'

'Inoculated or uninoculated?'

'How should I know... YAIIII!' And the Inquisitor's own ship was plunged into the abyss of the Black Holes of Eternal Peril.

'Wow!' said Sir Cat. 'How did you do that?'

'Oh, I went to see the real movie with Krissie. Let's go.'

* * *

But as they made their final approach back to _Red_ _Dwarf_, a hail of laser-fire strafed them, tragically slaying Sir Cat.

'Smeg,' Sir Lister muttered as he and Sir Kryten hid behind a convenient planetoid. 'Now what?'

'Perhaps we could construct a giant wooden rabbit and sneak in?'

'Not bad, but I have a better idea.'

'Like what?'

'CHARRRRGGGGE!'

And Sir Lister and Sir Kryten flew their _Blue Midgets_ courageously towards the open cargo hold of _Red Dwarf_, through the rain of laser-fire. They swooshed through the opening and landed, exiting their craft and looking about nervously for the people who had been firing on them.

'Third Technician Lister!' And lo it was the voice of the fat doughnut boy himself, Captain Hollister.

'Oh smeg,' Sir Lister muttered, dropping his sword.

'Been on the rampage, have we? The Brig. Two years!'

And as Todhunter hustled the pair of them off, Sir Lister muttered to himself, 'And we never even found the Holy Shami Kebab, or made it back to Fiji!'

OF COURSE NOT, said the voice of Doug Naylor.

'Why the smeg not?'

WELL, IT'S ONLY SEASON EIGHT, INNIT? THE ONLY REASON ED BYE CAME BACK WAS BECAUSE HE WAS PROMISED A MOVIE, AND YOU'VE STILL GOT THAT TO COME!

'You mean this wasn't the movie?'

The clouds parted again, and Lauren dropped her Doug Naylor mask, and the little voice-changing doover she'd swiped from 'Stoke Me A Clipper'. 'Of course not,' she said in her ordinary voice, 'you're in one of my fanfics again!'

'It was all a big con?' exclaimed Sir Lister.

Lauren smirked. 'Yeah!' She wiped the smirk off her face. 'Hey, Dave, it's not so bad.'

'How? How is it not so bad?'

'Kochanski's waiting to welcome you back to the Dwarf....'

Sir Lister took off at a run. Sir Kryten's head exploded. And Lauren just laughed and laughed.


End file.
